My Toxicity and I

It is no wonder that people possess toxic nature within themselves. The toxicity does not always come out on its own. When we share a mutual bond with someone, our toxicity has ways of showing up at our doorstep. We love the highs that our toxic sides radiate. We somehow nurture it every time it shows up. People have a way of displaying their toxicity at the worst of times and only towards the people who care about them. I have always believed that I deserve a love that stays, that can stand beside me when I hit the high waves of life. The love that sees past my eyes and feels me for who I am. But I had always believed that when I would come across a person who would really love me, things will get complicated and life would be an emotion of rollercoaster but little did I know that love isn’t always a hurricane or a thunderstorm. Love can be as gentle as the breeze at night and calming to our hearts. I always think about what the other person has to offer me, whether or not he can be patient with me, and whether or not he can accept my flaws. But I never wondered what I would bring to a relationship. It has been way too long since I have been in a relationship. Always divided among attraction, like and love I can never wrap my head around what I really look for in a relationship. My indecisiveness always gets the best of me. Despite all of this, I have been quite happy lately as I have started prioritising loving myself and treating myself with care. But does that process involve letting someone in and stepping out of their comfort zone too? I always felt that I had a void within me that I needed someone to fill it with love but love doesn’t work that way, does it? We cannot love someone until we feel whole within ourselves. Believing that someone would enter our lives and sweep us under our feet does not work in real life. They say when a person is right for you, you will know that he is perfect for you. But what if you have spent your whole life running away from love and when you finally have someone in your life who says that they want to hold your hand, how do you know if you’re making the right choice? We never realise the true essence of being with someone who cares for us until they walk away from our lives. How long can you make a person wait until you decide whether or not he is right for you?

There is a coldness which lives inside me that drives people away from my life. The walls that I have built around my heart are too frigid to crumble down. I wander around wondering how long I have to wait until I find myself tied to strings of love and find myself pulled around the gravity of the person whom I would call my lover. I have always taken myself to be the one who falls in love hopelessly, desperately and completely. Deep enough that would dissolve all my sanity. However, I am lost in the fog of uncertainty as to when to take the first step and how to let someone in. Finding the right person is not something that we come across in an instant. For me, friendship is the foundation of every beautiful relationship but how is one to build that foundation when one is reclined to the very idea of meeting and talking to new people? My life has become a train station, with people constantly boarding and departing from my life and I always wonder what could have been if had I been brave enough to ask them to stay. This thought crosses my mind right after our paths have already been separated. I fear that if I meddle around too much I would get my heart broken too easily. But is it worth getting your heart broken to find the one and only one? I had recently come across a phrase which said, “It is better to fall into like and walk into love”. But I care too much and judge a person too much to fall into the first step of attachment. I have a cruel way of taking someone’s kindness for granted and driving them away that I often catch myself feeling lonely even if I am surrounded by a throng of people I love. I chase the thrills and let myself get caught up by high tides that I have forgotten what it is like to stay still and watch the waves drift slowly by the shore. I expect people to appreciate my deep emotions, hold onto me tight and be patient with me when I’m anxious, but I never know I if can do the same when they’d need me. I never know how to accept a good compliment and even return one back. I struggle to value others. When a person loves having long conversations with me and notices all the little things about me and is there for me in my vulnerabilities, the coldness of my heart persuades me to run away. A voice within me keeps telling me that I am not meant to dissolve the walls around my heart and shield myself from the vulnerability of love. I am lost in my own tapestry of thoughts without a clear pattern. 

For what it is worth, I can have this profound feeling in my heart that I will never settle for a love that is fleeting. I yearn for a love that weathers all kinds of storms. A love that is patient enough to listen to all my entangled thoughts, a love that enjoys dancing with me under the moonlight, a love that shares silent conversations with their eyes and smiles. And above all, a love where I am not afraid of sharing my vulnerabilities and getting my heart broken. I cannot trick myself into believing that I am ready to feel all of this exactly at this moment of life for I know that I am yet to let go of all my fears. I am happy the way I am right now even if it feels I need someone to accompany me. But the truth is until and unless I learn to enjoy the blue and pink skies of my life by myself, all my other relationships will be fathomable to shallowness. I am on a voyage to love myself and dare I say not a soul can breach my heart to make me settle for anything less than I feel within.

Realisation of midnight

I got too engulfed in my world that I forgot what is out there. I set my boundaries and limited myself to socialise with people. Maybe just because I didn’t want people to bother with my problems. But I have drifted apart from everything I can think of. Evergreen was my life and I can’t look back at it again. I guess staying an introvert does that to you. I am too distracted to focus on my career, my family and my friends. I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore and what makes me happy. I stare at the lights that come from different houses at night from my rooftop thinking that maybe someday, I will shine as bright especially in the dark. Sharing this with anyone won’t make me less empty because people will say that this too shall pass when I know very well that it will not, ever.

“Is someone in the crowd the only thing you really see?
Watching while the world keeps spinning 'round?
Somewhere there's a place where I find who I'm gonna be
A somewhere that's just waiting to be found”

At times like these, a voice sings these lyrics inside my head.

Scars of friendship

I wait just like the same old days for my friends to reach out and predict the grey skies above my head.
Spent my time loitering around looking for new friends but my path led me back to the same old road instead 
They lead me to you but when we’re together I feel I am someone you folks don’t want around
Message upon messages but none concerned my presence and it doesn’t surprise me for it never does
It partly is my fault-I only miss them when I am feeling low
Will they miss me too and ever let this cause go?

I know we aren’t perfect but I had never been as comfortable speaking as much as I did in our company
We were as bright as the sun, we made each other happy even when we couldn’t fathom the agony
I heard you’re following your dreams and ambitions, guess you found someone who could be the one I couldn’t 
It wasn’t out of the blue when I disappeared but no one noticed me slipping away either 
Was it true my faith was shaken but I still believed in us to stick through every thick and thin
Nevermind I’ll remain in the shadows without your help
Although I wished that I was good enough and I wished you cared enough,
But this day I wish nothing but the best for you all and replay our moments
Because sometimes friends last for a lifetime and sometimes solitude is inflicted upon us.