Can one incident of life seize the one and only gift of a writer? Can the flame of past activity put out the flame of writing?
It has been long since I really sorted out what my subconscious mind has been dealing with. I can’t lie that I messed up or my life has become messed up since few months. I feel clueless about what I am writing down. I am not even sure I’ll make any sense this time. I am afraid that I’ve lost my ability to write or portray down my emotions or my opinion. Is it possible for a writer to forget the way they used to write before?
Am I worthy enough to call myself a writer when I write everyday and stop abruptly for a month or two? What do I call myself on the days when I don’t write at all? Do I play the card of a victim by lying to myself for being too busy? Should I feel guilty for neglecting all the warning signs when I was losing my grip? Am I just another spectator who watches the leaves fall from trees and feel the wind blow through my skin? Does my writing ignite the same old flame in every letter that I write? I feel my words have layers of rust that aren’t capable enough of shaking my belief system. They can just create a hollow space for me to dive deeper without creating a route to return back. All these questions that I keep asking myself, are they worthy of getting an answer? Will my words summon answers for them? The path of getting an answer remains a question itself. I am better at getting haunted by questions than chasing the answers. I am better at playing pretend and hiding behind my self created busy schedule. I can still feel the winds through skin but I can feel my words flow through me too. I am not just a spectator of the changing seasons I am the witness of my life taking a different curve at every moment. I am not looking forward to move around in circles and wait for time to send me back to square one. Time’s ticking like it’s running on a treadmill. It might try bringing me back to the first loop but I am preparing myself to take the leap whenever I get a chance. I can’t wait to scratch off the bucket list for I can never be more ready than I am today. I will not wait for my life to give me opportunities to enjoy and to write, I will make an opportunity myself.
People might take me as an opportunist but I am nurturing my beautiful passion into a tree to provide me zeal on the days when I don’t write.
I am on the outside always looking in. Will I ever be more than I’ve always been?
Will I ever fly in the sky where I had always dreamed to go or will I always have my feet tied to stone?
Will I be able to go back to where it all started and mend that piece of my life which was broken or
Will I have to compromise in every step of my life just because I am a woman?
It has not been long since I realised that I am equally at fault for whatever that’s going on in my life but it has been very long enough to go back to do the right thing which was supposed to be done.
Will I ever be the woman of my dream that I had dreamt to become, the honest, the truthful and the happy one.
Or will I end up remaining handcuffed, tied to my fate and destiny wondering what mistakes I have done?
No one wonders why we did what we did or what compelled us to do what we had done. But instead everyone points out that we should learn to adjust in every situation and torment because that’s the way we are programmed to perform.
When you’re in a relationship with a person as a friend, as a partner or as a sibling, you build it on mutual understanding keeping all their flaws and insecurities in mind. Your every step with them must be monitored whether or not it will backfire against them. It’s not a move that you calculate nor something that you have to decide using statistics. It all happens from the heart. Even before your mind can reciprocate it, your heart enacts with enough wisdom to not hurt them and to not transform mutual into misunderstanding.
When a relationship is based on doubts, you must act with patience and sort it out with the person through conversation. Lack of interaction deepens the potholes of doubts, the more deeper it gets, the more difficult it becomes to cover it up. I know from my own experience, it is difficult to create atmosphere to sort things out with interaction for you never have the slightest clue about what to begin with. But never ever try procrastinating it. The bubble of doubts keep building up if it doesn’t get a proper dismissal. Next time when you encounter a situation like this, the bubble will work as a perfect ally to recall previous pattern inch by inch. This will lead you to enter a more difficult space where talking things through will get severe. It is never too late to sort things out with simple conversation. Don’t let your ego consume you if you have to be the first person to approach. Don’t even try counting if you are the only one always trying to mend things first because this will make the other person feel insecure and inferior.
Just think about why you want things to be healthy between both of you. Commemorate the bittersweet memories with them. Think of all the happiness both of you invite when you are together. Are the memories of the relationship worth it of all the bickering and doubts, if not then what are you gawking about? Talk to them already! It doesn’t matter whose fault it was, what matters is you trying to save what’s yours. Don’t expect them to vent at first attempt for they won’t confide in you before you create the atmosphere to the level of their comfort zone. Let them lower their boundaries and then talk things through and work on the areas both of you lag behind. If they provide you with no opportunities then get creative with your approaching method. You’ll never know what’s the best for both of you until you try it.