We can never imagine the amount of grief you had to bear. Especially as a housewife, the stipulation to live life in mediocrity and never get to become anything more. Not getting to do what you want; unable to grab the freedom to choose the things you love.
Could you not feel the pain in her silence, the disappointment that she gets from you each time she hopes to live life with you to the fullest. All you make out of her persona is a maternity staff who loiters around your house like a shadow but literally wants to shine in the city lights. Could you not figure out that a bird is meant to be for the sky and only come back to the ground to rest but not to live. It’s cliché to think you would understand for you never had to live a day in her shoes. Whenever you scream and she suppresses her will, a little of her goes numb inside. The pain proceeds the next day when you pretend everything is as it was before and you never try to make it up to her. Maybe she needed you to feel what she felt like inside when she pleaded with you to notice not just her but her heart.
The pain that comes within when you suppress your voice, your wishes, feels like living a dead life. A life with no will of your own and making rules that have no backbone or rational explanation to support them. Deep down when you accept that mediocrity is what life is meant to be then all your dreams make you believe that what you thought you could achieve was insane. The fear of choosing the path that will lead you to the road of your dreams is greater than the fear of not getting to do what you love. Words left unsaid and dream left unfulfilled lead to hopeless emptiness. A road trip to such a despondent place of your heart where you forget to live and are afraid to take the jump. Only if you dared to mend things and take back your actions, you would have ended differently.
We always have been a dreamer and hopeful in our life. There never has been a phase where we would have considered some professions or studies as morbid ones, the things where we never would have wanted to end up to. The things we felt were lifeless when we were young at heart are the things we have considered a way of living today, an important aspect of keeping the pot boiling.
Don’t accept your life to be of mediocre level because it won’t hide the truth that you are capable of leading a wonderful life. It will lead you to a con life, a life of cloudy lies that suppresses the truth beneath. The truth never gets suppressed by it but you just get better at hiding it.